Why are some of us scared of love? Just as some people believe that love is all a relationship needs , there are individuals who struggle with love avoidance and find love a terrifying concept.
While certain levels of fear are completely normal to most of us, people suffering from philophobia are terrified of falling in love and being in an emotional relationship with another person. By definition, philophobia is an intense and irrational fear of being in love which causes great emotional distress and interferes with your normal life. Previous traumatic experiences set the tone for these mechanisms, and in the case of the fear of love or emotional connection , these experiences are usually based in attachment.
If feelings of painful abandonment were present in the formative years or later on in life , an aversion to closeness with others could result in adulthood for fear of revisiting that pain. A person's openness to relationships with others actually begins with their relationship with themselves, or, more accurately, how they perceive themselves. If someone has internalized limiting beliefs of self-worth or thinks they are not "enough," they may consider themselves unworthy of receiving love and predict painful rejection.
Similarly, they may perceive themselves as unable to provide love or affection and fear causing someone else pain. Prescriptive cultural norms and standards around relationships and marriage can be the cause of great anxiety, especially for those that don't conform to those expectations. Strict guidelines for when to start relationships , how to conduct oneself within a relationship, and who to start a relationship with as well as stigmas attached to those who deviate from the norm can affect one's openness to entering relationships at all.
First, see if you can identify the root of your fears. Ask yourself why you're afraid of falling in love. Be honest with your answers: This is about making your life better, so avoiding the tough parts can only hurt yourself. Thankfully, there's no one here to be vulnerable with but you, so don't be afraid to think deep. It's likely that you're not afraid of love itself but more so have internalized fears of loss or emotional pain.
For instance, have you been hurt in the past and the thought of loving someone again feels scary? Do you tend to keep others at a distance? Are you worried about sharing your full self with another person? The ways we were hurt in previous relationships, starting from childhood, have a strong influence on how we perceive the people we get close to," Firestone says, "as well as how we act in our romantic relationships.
If you're pushing away from everyone who shows an interest in you, there's a chance you could be missing out on a great experience. Try to pin down the specific reasons you're afraid of love and identify your reasons for feeling that way.
Question doubts with realistic what-ifs: What if it works out? What if it doesn't, and you can heal and move forward? A therapist can help guide the process if you're uncomfortable going at it alone.
Once you're aware of what's causing your fears, allow yourself to experience those feelings to their fullest. You may have lingering doubts, but you'll be doing yourself a favor to better understand your emotions moving forward. It's okay to be worried about having your heart broken. We've all been hurt. We've all experienced rejection, ridicule, teasing, abandonment, and other experiences that have led to heartbreak and the belief that "I am not enough. Few people make it to adulthood unscathed from the overt and covert forms of rejection by caregivers, peers, siblings, teachers, or first lovers.
The belief is also absorbed from the culture itself, for it cannot be denied that we live in a culture of "not-enoughness. In short, you're just not quite right because you're not enough.
Once the belief of "I'm not enough" takes hold, it determines many of your decisions regarding intimate relationships. And when you finally do meet a partner who is available, loving, caring, honest, and every other quality you've been waiting for as opposed to dating unavailable people who had one foot out the door , this latent, silent belief kicks in and the self-protective thought, "You don't love him enough" or "You're not attracted to her enough" is quick on its heels.
Now, instead of addressing your core belief that you're not enough, you've made your partner not enough. Now, instead of you being in the vulnerable position of exposing yourself to the risk of being hurt or rejected, you've positioned yourself into the one-up position of holding the power. Now, instead of allowing the relationship to deepen in intimacy with an unknown end as we never know what will happen when we commit to one person , the ego, in the power position, will try to convince you to run, thereby controlling the outcome.
The ego hates risk. The ego hates the unknown. The ego hates being vulnerable. In our bully culture, the ego knows it's either bully or be bullied. It chooses to bully, putting your lovely partner under the microscope and convincing you that they just aren't enough. It's an incredible act of courage to love fully.
It's our deepest longing, yes, but it's also our deepest fear. Below are simple steps for working with the doubt and fear, but please keep in mind that this is very deep work and one must find patience, fortitude, and commitment. Being scared of love and scared of relationships is a deep fear that takes time to heal. Welcome the fear: Get to know it, name it, invite it to dinner for a conversation.
Write about it. Talk about it. And, since experts have yet to include philophobia in the DSM-5, doctors may look to treatment guidelines for other phobias. To gain a better understanding of philophobia, doctors need to conduct further studies to learn how to support people living with this phobia. Obsessive love disorder can be a symptom of an underlying mental health condition or due to previous trauma.
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Medically reviewed by Janet Brito, Ph. What is it? Share on Pinterest People with philophobia may experience dizziness, lightheadedness, and nausea. Risk factors.
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